Disclaimer: You know the rules if your not old enough to read this typeof material then don't.

This will be a love story as is all of my other stories.It will contain interracial themes between a white young man and a black young man during their first year of college together.It will be a story with some sexual scenes, but this WON'T be an erotic tale.It will be sweet, romantic and sometimes angst ridden.Point of views will change and you will take note of that at the beginning of each chapter You can find the links to all my stories under prolific author Maddy A. But in case your lazy they all can be found simultaneously in the high-school and interracial sections and they are as followed: "Around My Way", The Handsome Jewish Young Man", "Chase After Me" and "I Hate Anthony".

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"THE FIRST YEAR IS THE HARDEST"

By Maddy A.

CHAPTER ONE: MISTAKES

CRAIG :

Why did I tell HER? That was thequestion I kept asking myself everyday for the last two years.Before andeven after she was my first and only girlfriend, she had been my bestfriend.For ten years Laura and I did everything together.We toldeach other secrets, cried on each other's shoulders and whatever else bestfriends did; we did it.I loved her and she loved me and there was nothingin this world that I didn't feel comfortable talking to her about.....almost.She was my best friend and your suppose to be able totrust them with anything.Funny how our perception of reality can beclouded under the guise of presumed friendship.

It was the summer we were suppose tostart high school.We were both just shy of turning fourteen.Herbirthday is in September and mine was just a few days away.Lauraand I had always been the youngest in our class; just one of the many thingsthat we had in common. We both stood at exactly five feet eleven and wereslender.We were both equal mixtures of Irish and Italian and hadchocolate brown hair to match our chocolate brown eyes.Her thick, longand curly hair fell down her back, touching just above her waist and I kept mydark curly hair cut short.It had a tendency to get a little "curl crazy "and was always brushing into my eyes. Although I was on the thin side I washardly what you would call scrawny.I wasn't very athletic so I didn't have much muscle mass at the time, but I did all right for myself.Laura though was skin and bones. She could wear a knit sweater and you could stillmake out her ribs.The girl could eat like a horse, but never wouldgain a pound.But, she was attractive in a Kate Moss sort of way.She was an only child, where as I was stuck being in the middle of an olderbrother and younger sister.Jeremy is three years older than me and weused to be close until Laura opened her big mouth.Now he hates me.Cathy was too young to understand what was going on at the time,she'syounger than me by nine years so her love for me has never changed.Myparents however treated me with just as much love and warmth as Jeremy.Myfather lives by what I call "three rules of stupidity. Not only is he anintolerable racist, but also he was a sexist and homophobic.He wasn'tvery religious, but that didn't stop him from using random quotes from the bibleto make his point of views seem right; which may I add I think he would make thequotes allup.My mother probably could have been a warm and lovingwoman if she didn't follow behind my dad and his views.She was an Italianwoman, but the exact opposite of what you would expect one to be.Shewasn't commanding or strong willed.No, she was as subservient as theycame. If my father would say jump, she would ask `would you like me to vacuumfirst".That was just how she was and he would have it no other way.

I dealt with life the best way that Icould.I was out going, never shy.I could walk up to a completestranger and start up a conversation and Laura was the same way.Iwouldn't call myself popular, but slightly above average. I got along witheveryone.I could float from the preppie's to the Gothic' s and not bat aneye.That's just how I was, but I'm getting off topic.

I remember the day that ended myfriendship with Laura.We met in the first grade and had been inseparablesince.We were three weeks away from starting our freshman year of highschool.She was nervous about it, but I couldn't wait to get there.I had watched one too many campy teen movies and thought high school would beone big party.How wrong I had been.It was lazy August afternoonand we were in the middle of a heat wave.My overly cautious motherwouldn't let me leave the front porch for fear that I would die of a heatstroke.How funny that sounds saying even today.How many 13 andthree quarter's year old kids do you hear of dying from a heat stroke, but againI digress.

Laura came over to keep mecompany.It was just she and her father and sometimes they wouldn't getalong so she often would find solace at my house. Mr. McNamara was a niceman, but a little overprotective of her.Not only was she his only child,but it had to have been hard for him raising a girl.Her parents weredivorced and her mother was now leaving in Missouri.Laura wasn 't allowedto wear make-up or where high heels unless it was a special occasion.Shethought it was the most unfair thing in the world, but if it had been me and myteenage daughter tried to walk out of the house looking like a bad clone of apop star, I would have treated her the same way.The only differences thatwe shared were the fact that I enjoyed being young where as Laura couldn't waitto get older.She was in a rush to become a grown-up so she could dogrown-up things.I, on the other hand, could wait.I've always havehad this fear of growing up and getting out into the real world.It scared me to think that one day I would have to do taxes and pay a car note.That sort of thing never appealed to me, but Laura loved the thought of being independent.

Laura and I were swinging back andforth on the porch steps as I drunk the bitter lemonade that she had broughtover. The sun was setting just above the horizon so the sky was still lit up asif it was mid-afternoon, but it was dimming to a bright orange.The smellof summertime filled my nostrils. Summertime smells are kind of mixturesof grass, flowers and fun.It's this addictive aroma that never leavesyou.You could me smack dab in the middle of winter and out of no wherethe smell could hit you.You'd close your eyes and reminisce of summerdays before the smell faded away.In the distant we could hear the chatterof the cicadas as they rattled the trees.I grew up in a small Virginiatown; just south west of Richmond, so my town still held the charmingpersonality that only country living can give you.There were maybe tenthousand peoplethat lived there so we weren't completely cut-off from society, but to outsiders looking in they would have thought of us country bumpkins, which we weren't.My town is sandwiched between two cities so ifwe were looking for fun, it was only a twenty minute car ride away.Thegentle swaying of the porch swing was making me fall asleep.I moved overand laid my head in her lap.For all the years that we had been friends, Ialways thought of us as family and we were always affectionate with eachother.She ran her fingers though my hair and her soothing motions broughtme to sleep.I couldn't have been out for more than three or four minutesbefore I felt a gentle pressure on my lips.At first I thought I wasdreaming, but then when I felt the rough wetness of a tongue my eyes flewopen.I remember pulling away from her and she looked away like she wantedto cry.I didn't know what to do or say to her so I just went into myhouse.We didn't speak to each other for the rest of that week.Iwas so confused by everything.For so many years I looked at her like mysister and with one kiss things had changed. It wasn't that I didn't findher attractive because I did, but the problem was I also found Charles Regis andDanny James attractive.I didn't know at the time what to call myself, butits safe to say that I was a pretty confused person.Laura was the one andonly person in this world who understood me, but I didn't even tell her about myfeelings...I wished I would have kept it that way.

I couldn't take not having her aroundso I mustered up all my courage and went to her house.She opened her doorand at first she looked happy to see me, but that was replaced with anger.Before I could say anything she started yelling how lousy she thought I was andslammed the door in my face.I must have stood at her door for fiveminutes in shock of what had just happened. I was about to walk home whenshe re-opened the door and yelled for me to come in.The angry look on herface was replaced with hurt.She confessed that she had fallen in lovewith me the day she met me.I thought she was being a littleover-dramatic, but I kept that thought to myself.She asked me if I feltthe same and it hurt me to tell her I didn't.She asked me to kiss her;only this time for real and then if I didn't like it she would leave it alone.I was grossed out at the thought of kissing her again, but if itwould bring me my best friend back, then I would.I closed my eyes andprepared myself for what I was sure was going to the most disgusting experienceof my life.Her lips touched mine, softly at first and to my surprise itwas kind of nice.Her lips were thin and soft with the faint trace ofcherry lip-gloss. I applied more pressure and she put her tongue in mymouth and I didn't stop her.Strangely, it was kind of nice.Sothat's how it started, the end of our friendship and the beginning of theend.

Laura and I dated for the next twoyears straight with our intimacy never going beyond kissing or heavy petting,but it wasn`t like she didn`t try.I thought it was suppose to be the guypressuring the girl for sex, but with her it was vice-versa.I was hornyand ready to pop, don`t get me wrong, but I just didn`t want to have sex withHER.I honestly loved her, but I wasn't in love.I was attracted toher, but I was attracted to other boys too.I guess I was confused.......untilI met Joel.

It was the last month of school and hehad transferred in from Long Island, New York.He was a little taller thanme and stocky in a thick sort of way. >From the moment I met him I wasattracted to him.His long black hair fell down to his shoulders and hekept it parted down the middle, framing his dark gray eyes.He blew intomy small town like a gust of gay wind.I say gay wind because he made noattempt to hide that fact about him.He never came out and said he wasgay, but he was effeminate....VERY effeminate.He walked with a switch ofthe hips, when he talked to you he used his hands to express himself and he evenspoke with the stereotypical lisp.I was usually only attracted to guyswho acted like me; a normal guy, but it was just something about Joel that mademe want to know him. There were only three weeks of school left and I had tomake my move fast.As fucked up as it's going to sound, I wanted to be hisfriend, but I didn't want anyone to know it.He was VERY gay and I didn'twant to be considered guilty by association so you can see where the problemwith that laid.He was in my algerba2 class and since we had already takenfinals, our teacher just let us talk all period long.I was prettypopular, but more on the average side and I had a lot of friends who would talkto me, but I would find myself looking over at Joel and wishing that I wastalking to him.Sometimes he would catch me staring and would blush as helooked away.He had a few friends, but they were all girls.Theschool year ended and I never got the nerve to talk to him.

The last day of class I found myselfwatching Laura and how she acted with some of her other friends, one inparticular Vincent.Everyone knew that he liked her and I thought the sheliked him too.Where I should have felt jealousy, I didn't.Iknew that he could give her what I couldn't.I made the decision to breakup with her.I was expecting some sort of fight.I guess it was myown arrogance that assumed she would break down and cry, begging me to take herback and offering to do anything to make it work with us.To my surpriseshe said, "Yeah, that's a good idea.But, lets stay friends...best friends."

A week had past and sure enough shestarted dating Vincent.He was a nice addition to our little group offriends, but there was something about him that I didn't trust.Maybe it was his long, stringy blonde hair or the glint in his blueeyes.Maybe it was his personality.He was your everyday football jock and he had the arrogance to go with it.I kept my thoughtsto myself though since for the most part he seemed okay. Our group was made upof six other guys and two girls.It was Mike, Jim, Brian, Heather,Yolanda, Frank, Kyle and David.All of us had been friends throughout middle school and had remained close.Yolanda and David were the onlyblack kids in our school, but that kind of thing didn't matter to us.Myfather on the other hand wouldn't let them in our house.He despised anyminority he thought posed as a threat.It was his own ignorance thatluckily I didn't have. We all thought of ourselves as a pretty liberal group offriends and we loved and embraced everyone.Or so I thought.

It was the fourth of July and Laura wasthrowing a barbeque.Every kid from my high school it seemed had shownup.Laura was thrilled by the turn out so she pretty much ignored me whiletending to the other guests.I was kind of used to not being her toppriority anymore.It was a little hard at first because I had gonefrom being the one person that she turned to with her problems to the `wheneverfriend".Whenever she was bored, she would call me. I assumed thatnow that we weren't dating we could just magically fall back into the familiarroutine of being best friends like we had been before the whole "boyfriend &girlfriend" drama got a hold of us.Sadly, that was not in thecards.Sure, she probably still considered us to be friends and so did I,but it was just things weren't like they use to be.

I wasn't really in the mood that day toparty.My father was getting on me about trying out for the baseball teamand proceeded to spend the day telling me how proud he was of my brother Jeremyand his sports accomplishments. Jeremy pretty much excelled in whatever hedid.Whether it was soccer, football, basketball or baseball, he was apro.He towered over me at six foot four, but we looked exactlyalike.I was just an inferior version of him or at least that's how itsometimes would feel. Let me tell you something, when you hear day in and dayout how much of a disappointment you are, you have a tendency to believe it andI did...until I turned twelve and realized that my father was just full of a bunchof shit.But, that day he just got to me.

At the time I would consider Jeremy andI close.He never got annoyed when I would bug him to take me fishing orcamping with his friends; he even took me a few times.He would make mydad ease up whenever he saw that my feeling was getting hurt.Jeremy wasnot only my brother, but my friend.That is until the day of thatbarbeque.

I found myself sitting inside ofLaura's sunroom.The party was going full swing outside, but I needed thetime alone.I sat down on her couch and closed me eyes, consumed by myconfusing thoughts.I was almost sixteen, but my problems made me feel somuch older.I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that maybe Iwas `bi'.I was leaning more over towards `gay', but at the time I wasstill trying to figure things out.I closed my eyes and was lost until Ifelt someone sit next to me.My eyes snapped open and I saw Joel sittingnext to me smiling.

"What?"I asked in a tone thatcame out a little harsher than I meant.I noticed that he had lost a fewpounds and his jaw looked more angular since the last time I saw him.Hishair had grown another three or four inches and hung bone straight past hisshoulders.He smiled and his round gray eyes twinkled.He lookedvery stylish with the heavy gold link chain around his neck, glistening behindhis black t-shirt and baggy black cotton shorts.I noticed that his legswere smooth and hair free and I had to suppressthe urge to laugh at thethought of his burly body hunched over the tub, shaving his legs. But, I'lladmit it; I was attracted to every part of him.

"Nothing, just thought I'd keep youcompany.Your Craig right?"He asked and made no attempt to hide hislisp.He crossed his legs femininely and scooted closer to me.Imade no move to move over and he took that as a sign to move even closer.I was nervous.Sitting so close to him made butterflies flutter in mystomach, but I didn't want to move away.The mixture of anticipation andexcitement I was feeling with the thought of the possibilities took over.I shifted my body so I was closer to him.

"Yeah, and your Joel."I saidsmiling and his got brighter.

"So, how's your summer beenhoney?"I was a little put off by the softness of his voice, but there wasstill something about him that intrigued me.

"It's been good.I've beenworking for Mr. Millard's grocery store, but other than that it's been prettyboring.So how`s yours been."My fingers were tapping nervously onmy denim shorts.I saw Joel's eyes blatantly travel up my legs with noshame and I felt a surge of excitement so strong that I became lightheaded.All the years of touching and kissing Laura couldn't comeclose the excitement that I felt with just a look byJoel.

"Shitty.We're moving backto Long Island in a few weeks.We just got back from buying the new houseand found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me....and with a girl noless!"He stated as he throw his head back gently and laughed tossing hishair over his shoulder.I didn't know how to react to that.Hehad just come out to me.The years of "playing it straight" kicked in andI clamed up.He looked at me cautiously and grew serious.I could see the panic on his face. "God!Dude I'm sorry....I just thought..."He trailed off and we sat in silence for a minute that felt like an hour.Hegot up to leave, but I stopped him.

"WAIT! I mean.....what did youthink?"I knew what he thought, but I wanted to hear him say it.Joel sat back down and looked away as he spoke.

"I thought thatyou were..youknow....Gay"He whispered as he looked around.The sounds of the partygoing on outside was loud so I couldn't really hear what he said.

"What, I can't hear you?"I askedand he spoke so loudly that I'm sure the whole county heard.

"GAY!I THOUGHT YOU WEREGAY!"He yelled and before I could answer I heard the dropping of a glassand the sound of liquid splashing all over the wooden floors.I turned tolook and my fearful eyes met the shocked eyes of Laura.I was like a deercaught in headlights.Joel mumbled an apology and made a quick exit outthe front door.I never saw him again after that.He had moved backto New York a few weeks later. I wanted to say something, anything to makethings better, but looking into her horrified face I knew that she had alreadymade up her mind.

"Laura, can we go upstairs?" I askedand She didn't answer me, but she started up the stairs to her bedroom and Ifollowed.I locked the door behind me as she stood looking out of herwindow.The sun was peaking through her curtains, illuminating her in itsbrightness.She appeared almost angelic as she fingered the friendshipbracelet that I had given her five years prior. She never took itoff.But, when I walked over to face her she turned and the look on herface was nothing short of disgusted

"Craig?Fag? You?"Shehissed.I couldn`t meet her gaze and I knew that there was no denyingit.I took her hand in mine.

"Laura...I....I...I'm sorry..."Istuttered.She snatched her hand away from mine and looked at me indisbelieve.

"Craig...NO your not!" She yelled so loudthat the inside of my ear's tickled.

"I'm sorry....I think I am." I lookeddown at my sneakers.I felt so much shame for something that I couldn'tcontrol.

"BUT WHAT ABOUT US? DID I MAKEYOU.....A...FAG?"She screamed as she sat down on her bed and buried her headin her hands.I walked over to her and sat beside her as I tried to findthe right words.

"Listen Laura...this isn't yourfault.To be honest I don't even know for sure just what I am.But,I do know that I love you.I loved you when you were my best friend, Iloved you whenyou were my girlfriend and I still love you now!"Istated and she started to cry as she threw her arms around my neck andcried.

"God!I'm so stupid!Ishould have known!You never wanted to do anything besides kiss,youwould freak if I tried to grab your dick....I'm so stupid!!And to think....Iwanted to marry you."She sobbed as I rocked her in shock.I neverknew her feelings for me where so strong and I felt guilty for leading heron.I never thought of myself as using her to cover up the fact that I wasgay, but maybe subconsciously I did.

"I'm so sorry.I love you and Ihope you still love me."I felt her harden in my arms as her bodystiffened and she pulled away from me.She said nothing as she wenttowards her door.She opened it and without looking back said six wordsthat broke my heart.

"I think you should leave.Now!"She whispered and closed the door behind her as I sat in reflection on her bed,replaying the events of the last fifteen minutes.With a stupid questionby someone who I didn't know from a can of paint, my life was over.Mybest friend now hated me and wanted nothing more to do with me.I sat upin her room for close to an hour in hopes of her coming back so we could makeup, but that didn't happen.I made my way down the stairs and noticed thatthe music had stopped.I went into the backyard to see what happened andwas greeted with the cold and disgusted faces of thirty of my peers.Theyknew!They Knew!I can't describe how small I felt. I scannedthe crowd for Laura.She stood next to Mike and Vincent with a smug lookon her face.She walked over to me and that sweet and funny little girlthat I once knew had transformed to a sickening form of her formerself.

"I thought I told you to leave.Faggots aren't allowed here!"She hissed out viciously and I could feelthe heat travel up my face and my stomach knotted with the realization that atnearly sixteen years old, my life was over. I looked over to my group offriends for help, but all I saw were the same looks of revulsion on their facesthat Laura had.I ran.I ran out of her backyard and down the roadtowards my house.I walked into my door and the first thing I sawwas Jeremy's reddening face as he was talking into his cell. I wanted togo up to him and cry out my sorrows, but the look on his face told me not to dothat.He had always been so supportive and so loving.We were asclose as two brothers could be, but in an instance that changed.I made anattempt to go down the hall and into my bedroom, but he slammed his phone shutand came in my face.

"You know who that was.That wasBrenda and she told me that she was sorry to hear that I had a fag in thefamily!Are you a mother fucking faggot?" He yelled and if thingscouldn't have gotten any worse my parents came down stairs to see what waswrong.

"What the hell is going on?"Myfather asked gruffly as my mother stood her guard behind him like he had trainedher to do for the last twenty-two years.

"Craig's a fucking faggot!Lauracaught him sucking some dudes dick in her bathroom!"Jeremy continued, asI stood there stunned.That bitch had lied, and everyone believedit!

"Craig,are you a fuckingqueer?"He asked me calmly with a hint of malice.I was no fool andI knew the best way was to deny it.

"No!She's lying!I swearto God I'm not!"I stated and my father looked at me sideways beforepatting me on the back.

"Good!Because if you werea faggot I'd have to kill you."He said and began to laugh as he went backinto the living room with my mother trailing silently behind him.She saidnothing, but looked at me questioningly. Jeremy continued to look at meharshly.

"I don't believe you!God!I hope my friends don't find out just what a fag my bro is! Blowing somedude?That`s just disgusting!"He hissed and left me alone, standingin the hallway.That was the last time he ever looked me in my eyesagain.

All that night and the next day Icried.Everyone knew that I was gay and there was no arguing it.Once gossip gets around everyone just assumes that it 's the truth.I wentto work and my boss Mr. Millard looked at me sympathetically, but didn't sayanything.I knew that he knew.He was an older man in his latefifties, but he didn't look a day over forty.His hair was still jet blackwith hints of silver at the edges.He may have had a slight beer gut, buthe still looked fit.I was a cashier at his grocery store and for thefirst hour I was there, I was greeted with either hateful stares, fearful looksare gazes of sympathy, which I hated the most.There had been a few peoplewho wouldn't come into my line and I'm not going to lie that hurt.It wasclose to closing time and Vincent, Laura's new boyfriend, came in by himself.He looked at me and smiled.After a few minutes he wound upat my register.The store was empty with the exception of Mr. Millard whowas in the storage room doing inventory.Vincent placed down a jar ofVaseline, condoms, breath mints and mouthwash.I rung him up silently, notlooking in his eyes.I could feel the smirk on his face.I tried totake the money out of his hand, but he grabbed mine.I looked up at himannoyed.

"What do you want Vincent!"Iasked and he continued to smile.

"So, you're a faggot right?"Hewhispered which was unnecessary since the store was empty.

"FUCK OFF!"I yelled and hepulled my hand tighter.

"Your choice."

"What?"

"Pick one."He stated as hepointed to the items he had just purchased.I became consumed with angerwith the realization at what he was trying to get at.

"If you don't get the fuck out of myface...."I started, but he cut me off with his laughter.

"You're not going to do anything.As I see it everybody already knows your playing for the other team, I'm justtrying to give you what you want.That way we both get something out ofit."He stated as he crudely grabbed his crotch and I rolled myeyes.

"You don't know what you're talkingabout!None of that bullshit is true." I argued and he continued tosnicker.

"Look, lets be real here.We allknow it's true.Why would Laura make something like that up?Everybody knows she was your best friend so why would she lie?"I realizedthat nothing I could say would change his mind or anybody else's.Even though Laura had made up the part of catching me blowing Joel, she did knowthat I was gay and everybody believed her.I never felt so alone.Iwas about to make my rebuttal when Mr. Millard came out of no where and calledme to the storage room Vincent was startled by his voice and grabbed his bag andleft.Mr. Millard had witnessed the little seen with Vincent and told methat he had heard what was going on.Before I could explain he put up hishands to silence me.

"Craig, you are a nice young man and Idon't care if its true or not.You don't have to tell me.I justwant you to know if there is anything I can do to help, just let me know."He stated as he continued to scan cans of tomato sauce.I looked into hisemerald green eyes and just felt like I could trust him.I picked up a canof sauce and passed it to him.

"Why do you want to help me?"Iasked and he looked thoughtfully at me before he answered.

"That's a story that I'm not ready totell.Let's just say that a long time ago there was someone in yourpredicament that I could have helped and didn't.Those were differenttimes and I was just a boy, but I can't help to think that I could have helpedthen maybe things could have been different..." He trailed off and I never broughtit up again even thought I always wondered what he meant.

The entire summer I spent alone.I tried to call Laura once, but she called me a faggot and hung up on me.Any love that I felt for her slowly fading away as the lonely summer monthspast.I know my father had his suspicions about me, but he knew that hehad scared me straight...literally.Jeremy ignored me when he wasn't lettingme know just how disgusting he thought I was. Cathy would always ask mewhy I looked so sad, but I would just hug her and tell her everything wasfine.She was only six and couldn't understand.As sad as it is tosay she was the only friend I had left.

The day I turned sixteen had been theloneliest day of my life, but I was getting use to the solitude.Everyyear for the last nine years Laura and I would spend our birthday's pigging outon ice cream and swimming in the creek up the road from her house, but that yearI spent it crying in my room.I never thought of myself as the cryingtype, but that summer that was all I would do.I would think about hownone of my friends would talk to me and I would cry, I would think about how mybrother hated me and I would cry, I would think about having to go back toschool and I would cry.The only thing that I could do to ease some of theheaviness in my heart was to cry and it felt good to do it.I never knewthat crying could be so therapeutic, but it is.I had no one to talk abouthow I was feeling so the only thing I could do to work out my problems was tocry.Every tear that I shed helped to wash away some of the hurt, but eventhat wasn't enough.

I stood there staring at the entranceof my high school.It was the start of my junior year and I should havebeen excited that after that year, there was only left before graduation, but Iwasn't.I dreaded walking inside there.I watched all of the kidsrunning up to each other smiling at reuniting with old friends.I sawYolanda walking with Mike, but they pretended like they didn't see me. Beingshunned by the two of them stung like nothing else. Mike's Polish andYolanda is Black.In my town there are a few ass holes, like myfather, who aren't open minded.I got into more than one or two argumentsdefending the two of them from some prick who thought it would be fun to callthem names..The fact that they couldn't extend the same curiously to mehurt me almost as much as Laura's betrayal did.....almost.Maybe they didn' trecognize me.I had wasted away to a mere one hundred and thirtypounds. I normally weighed around one sixty, but the stress of everythinghad affected my body and my spirit.

I could feel the eyes of everyone on meas I walked down the hall and to say that I was feeling self-conscious would beputting it mildly.I made my way to homeroom and sat down in theback-rowhoping to remain unnoticed. Vincent walked in and made it apoint to notify anyone who didn't already know about my situation.

"Listen up class.I thought Ishould warn you that one Mr. Craig Kelps is a faggot so please, please gentlemendon't drop the soap in the showers."He stated and everyone laughed as Ishrunk in my seat.No one talked to me through out the day.I heardwhispers and jokes, but no one spoke directly to me.I know my town iskind of small, but it was the new millennium.I thought we had all movedpast our pointless fears and hypocritical judgments, but sadly I waswrong.Some things never changed and I shouldn't have expected itto.I had no intentions of going to the cafeteria where I knew I would have to see all of my friends going on and enjoying their lives as I sat back and tried to pick up the ruined pieces of mine.I went into the libraryand sat alone until the bell rung.I made my way to gym class only to haveno one want to change near me.The ultimate humiliation is when the coachjoked that I could go over to the tennis court with the rest of the girls.Everyone laughed as I stood there waiting to get picked for basketball.Itshouldn't come as a surprise that I wasn't.I stood around staringat my feet as everyone began to play.

I ran into Laura after school and shelooked at me sorrowfully.I knew that she felt bad, but I no longer wantedanything to do with her. I kept walking, right past her as she attempted to callout to me.I turned around to look at her and she mumbled and apology andI lost it.I walked up so our faces were close to eachother's.

"Sorry...you're sorry?I just wantyou to know that you have succeeded in making my life hell!My brotherhates me, my friends all hate me and you know something...I hate them to....all ofthem....even you! Get the hell out of my face and don't you ever speak to meagain!"With that I walked off leaving her alone with tears in hereyes.I didn't feel bad about being so harsh on her. That's what shedeserved.

I'd love to tell you that things gotbetter with time, but that would be a lie.I would continue to beharassed, mocked, ignored and outcasted for the next two years of my life.I kept to myself and no one tried to talk to me with the exception of a fewgirls who wanted me to be their "fag mascot". Once I would tell them thatI wasn`t gay they would lose interest. Every now and then someone would getbrave enough and ask me if it was true.I would always lie and deny it,but nothing would make a difference.People had already formed theiropinions.Laura gave me a letter the day of our high school graduation.I didn't want to go, but my father made me.That bastardwas aware of how fucked up my life had been over the last two years, but hedidn't care.As long as I became the straight son that he wanted that wasall that mattered.Jeremy didn't come which wasn't asurprise.Laura came up to me looking beautiful in her white cap andgown.She had cut her hair short and it framed her petite facenicely.She had still been dating Vincent.They had been on and offfor the last two years and they were back on.He was impatiently callingher over as she walked over to me.I was proud because I had heard thatshe had gotten into the an Ivy league University that she wanted to go to,but I would be damned if I told her that.I myself was own my way to thelovely state of New Jersey to attend Montclair State University.I madesure that the school I choose was no where close to home.As she handed methe letter she told me that she understoodI could neverforgiveher, but she wanted me to read it anyway.With that, I wasgone.I had no time for another one of her lame attempts at anapology. I read her note and would have cried if I wasn't for the fact I was inmy father's car.Once in the safety of my bedroom I re-read theletter and let my emotions shed.

DearCraig,

I know you hate me right now and I deserve it.For the last two years I have regretted what I didto you.I know you have heard me say this a thousand times, but I was andstill am, sorry about what I put you through. That day when you told me youwere gay my heart broke.I was confused and angry that the one boywho I was in love with and dreamed of marrying didn't feel the sameway.I know there are no excuses for what I did to you, but please know that I am deeplysorry that I hurt you.I am disgusted by my actions.I told everyoneout of spite.My reprehensible actions are ones that not only do I have to live withwhat I did to you, but I have to watch how it affected you.Knowing dayin and day out that I and I alone are responsible for making your life livinghell is something that eats away at my soul.I tried to take it back, I reallydid, but it was too late.The damage had been done and couldn't befixed.

I'm sorry for all you have gonethrough and I know that there is no chance of us ever going back tohow things were and for that I will always be regretful.Youunderstood me like no one else did and I know you thought the same of me.God!I'm crying once again so I better keep this short.Just know thatI love you and I hope that one day you can forgive me.

I heard that you got intocollege in New Jersey, hope you find a nice Jersey boy who makes you happy : ) Okay,I will stop here.I'm sorry for all that I've lost, but even moresorry for what I made you lose.I hope one day you can forgive me, but I knowI don't deserveit.

I will always loveyou, ~Laura

I put the note inside of my yearbookand put that on my bookshelf.I loved Laura and even though she had mademy life hell a part of me still loved her. She had outted me to everyone.Do you know how it feels to walk into a room and know that everyone in thereknows your deepest, darkest secret.Being gay only caused me heartache andI was tired of hurting.College would be a new experience forme.A chance to redeem myself.No one would ever get the chance to hurt me again.Being gay was no longer an option.It wastime to put my old life behind me and look forward to the new one I would be starting.......

TO BE CONTINUED

(C) Madison Aysha Dante2005

Wanna know what happens next? You wouldhave known months ago if you were in my yahoo group.Join :

_http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MaddyA_Stories_ (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MaddyA_Stories)